Ultimate springtime golf fitness tips for "real" golfers

By Tim McDonald,
National Golf Editor

For those of you unfortunate enough to live in the North, you must be salivating at the thought of the spring golf season.

Hold on, Tiger. You ain't the man you used to be. You can't just jump up and go straight to the golf course after a long winter of sloth and mold.

Now, you will find any number of charlatans willing to sell you their total golf fitness regimens. These sleazoids always assume you're a golfer interested in a cleaner, healthier way of living and golfing. I've seen you out on the course, and I know that's not the sort of thing you're "into."

So here is my total golf fitness regimen for the "real" golfer:

• For God's sake, you have to strengthen your core! This involves eating really hard food, like jawbreakers. Eat a bag of those and have your neighbor punch you in the gut to see if your core is all it can be.

Options: Month-old fudge, Purina Dog Chow, pine bark.

• You also have to really work your obliques, I mean really work the hell out of them. Here's the perfect exercise for that. Lie flat on your back with knees bent slightly wider than your hips. If you have really fat hips, you're either going to have to really stretch your knees like in a cartoon, like The Elastic Man from India, or just skip this exercise. In fact, if you have really fat hips, just skip playing golf, nobody wants to see you out on the course.

Now, you slim-hipped people reach your hands to the ceiling like you're crying out for the Lord Jesus Christ to spare you from your miserable existence. You can hold light hand-weights, or not. What do I care? Lift your head and chest toward the ceiling and rotate to reach both hands just outside of your fat, right knee. Repeat on the left side. Now, take a breather. Ask Christ for forgiveness.

• Breathing exercises: Breathing properly and deeply is critical, especially for those tense moments on the course when normally you would start crying.
This deep-breathing exercise involves attending your local adult movie house, or calling up one of those sites on your Internet browser. Follow your instincts. It's either that or follow mine, and then you're looking at jail time.
• Horizontal abduction/adduction: I can't give you much help here, because I always get "horizontal" confused with "vertical," and I have no idea what adduction is. Who came up with that word, anyway? It's a stupid word and should be eliminated from the English language, if it's even English.

• Standing hip rotation: Don't do this. It makes you look like a girl.

• Alcohol fitness: How many times have you lost $2 Nassaus because while you were getting hamboned, your playing partners were just holding up that bottle of Jack Black pretending to drink?

Well, no need to waste good liquor. You can still drink and maintain your competitive edge. You just need to build up a tolerance. Stand upright in a dark closet, with a wide stance, and suck it down. Keep drinking until your wife leaves you.

• Aerobics: Ha! Don't make me laugh. This is golf!

• Putting: Don't bother to practice putting. Putting in golf is overrated. I play golf maybe 200 times a year and I've yet to meet anyone who can putt. You either make it or you don't. If you miss, just keep putting until the ball goes in the hole. Simple.

• Seniors: As we age, our bodies react differently, so seniors must prepare for golf differently than young punks. An important thing to remember is that there is an inverse relationship of increased ear hair to laughably short drives off the tee.

So keep those ear hairs trim and neat. If you're proud of your thick mane of ear hair, don't sweat it. If you're short off the tee, you're probably small in other areas, and I think you know what I'm talking about.

• Excuses: A healthy psychological outlook is a must for Better Golf. If you can convince yourself that the snap hook you hit into the weeds over there is not your doing at all, you'll retain the confidence needed to excel in the game.

The first time you smack one of your all-too-typical lousy shots, turn to your playing partner and snarl," "Will you stop that!" Look at him, looking all hurt and everything. Who would have thought golf fitness could be so much fun?

• Torque development in the downswing: This is so important, I can barely contain myself. This is vital to any golfer who has ever wanted to improve his score. You could even say it is absolutely critical in terms of reaching your full potential as a golfer and knowing what it is to be truly human.

• Alignment and posture: Face the target squarely and stand erect, with your rump jutting out slightly. Feels a little silly, doesn't it? Can you think of another situation in life where you would position yourself in such an odd manner? I can't.

K State Men’s Golfers Match Single Season Mark at Missouri

COLUMBIA, Mo. – The Kansas State Wildcats shot the lowest score in the final round and tied a school-record for most top-five finishes in a season with a second place finish at the Missouri Tiger Intercollegiate on Tuesday.

K-State carded a 295 in the final round, shooting 298-293-295—886 (+22) for the tournament, and moved from fifth place to second place over the final 18 holes at The Club at Old Hawthorne. The Wildcats notched their eighth top-five finish and tied the single-season mark held by the 2003-04 team.

“It’s consistency,” K-State head coach Tim Norris said. “Our guys have done a good job of (playing consistently). We’re able to save a few shots here and there and that’s what it comes down to on all these tournaments – you have 880 or so shots for the week and you get up there and one shot is one place and two shots worse is two places worse. All these guys know the value of staying in there and trying to scrape together a score and that’s what it’s been.”

The entire field battled stormy weather conditions on Tuesday and tournament officials even considered ending the event early. The Wildcats entered the final round 15 strokes behind the tournament-leader, Indiana, but cut the lead to five while shooting one of two scores under 300 in the final round. The Hoosiers claimed the team championship with a 294-286-301—881 (+17). Indiana’s Jorge Campillo earned the individual crown with a 72-66-74—212 (-4).

“Second feels a lot better than fifth when we teed off this morning,” Norris said. “There was about a five-hole stretch there where the wind was blowing sideways with the rain – it was challenging to say the least. Our guys just came through like champs. Indiana played great, but they had a 66 (from Campillo) yesterday afternoon – you take that round out and we would have been right there.

“All our guys played really solid today. It was a battle of emotions and a battle through the conditions. We’ve played in enough weather like this that the guys know what to do and they obviously knew what was at stake today. They did a fantastic job.”

Mitchell Gregson paced the Wildcats throughout the tournament and led the team with an even-par 72 on Tuesday. Gregson finished third overall with a 1-over 217 and notched a team-leading fifth top-10 finish.

Freshmen Kyle Smell and Daniel Wood joined Gregson in the top-10. Wood finished eighth with a 74-73-74—221 (+5) and Smell tied for ninth with a 76-73-73—222 (+6). It was the second top-10 finish of the season for both golfers.

“The whole week they gave us a nice lift,” Norris said of his freshmen. “It’s nice to see those guys get back in the lineup. Daniel has played the individual a couple times but today and this week he showed that he shouldn’t be the individual anymore. Kyle Smell is a guy that has unlimited potential and had a great round today as well.”

Joe Ida contributed the final score for K-State on Tuesday, posting a 4-over 76. He tied for 25th in the tournament with a 227 (+11). Robert Streb ended the tournament 80-73-83—236 (+20) and tied for 50th. K-State’s Kyle Yonke played in the event as an individual and finished 20th with a 9-over 225.

Missouri Tiger Intercollegiate
Club at Old Hawthorne
Columbia, Mo.
Par 72, 7,221 yards

Team Scores: 1. Indiana 294-286-301—881 (+17); 2. Kansas State 298-293-295—886 (+22); 3. Arkansas 291-293-304—888 (+24); 4. Iowa State 307-282-300—889 (+25); 5. Michigan State 300-292-298—890 (+26); 6. Wichita State 292-297-308—897 (+33); 7. Michigan 299-293-307—899 (+35); 8. Washington 310-299-305—914 (+50); 9. San Jose State 298-301-323—922 (+58); T10. Missouri 305-310-317—932 (+68); T10. Xavier 314-304-314—932 (+68).

K-State Individuals: 3. Mitchell Gregson 71-74-72—217; 8. Daniel Wood 74-73-74—221; T9. Kyle Smell 76-73-73—222; *20. Kyle Yonke 76-73-76—225; T25. Joe Ida 77-74-76—227; T50. Robert Streb 80-73-83—236.

UMKC's Taylor, ORU's Carter Collect Weekly Golf Honors

Fr., Overland Park, Kan./Blue Valley NW HS
Taylor receives his first Golfer of the Week honor following a third-place finish at the Branson Creek Invitational last week. His two-round total of 145 (73-72) was his best outing of the year and second top-10 finish this season.